I’m an addict.
I have a drug and I use it a lot. I’ll never give it up; nothing could ever stop me. When I use it, I go to this place, it takes me there and even if I only feel it for a a minute… it’s worth it. The place that I go when I use my drug is different every time. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with love and gratitude for my life. Every person that I look at, I am able to see the unique beauty in them. My eyes are opened to the beauty that is all around me. I am awakened to sensations. I feel the breeze through my hair, the sun warming my skin. Sometimes I imagine the future; seeing Daniel again after all of this time. Feelings of love and sadness overwhelm me and like a bolt of lightening through my veins, I am overcome with goosebumps while tears well up in my eyes. And every time I use it, I feel the strength within myself; the strength in my legs, as I push through the pain. Every time I am done using, I walk away, catch my breath and smile with pride at what I have done. I don’t work out to improve my looks. I run, I lift, I climb, I cycle, I push, I endure, I persist and I do it… because it feels so damn good. Today I like the quiet. So many days I fill up every moment with noise. Chaos. It’s like I feel unsettled when things are actually at peace.
But I am finding pieces of myself far more beautiful than anything I knew existed. And pieces of me that one could only discover after knowing my very core. Or... maybe no one would ever know it. I’m so content I could cry. Not to say that I’m even happy. Not to say that everything in my life is good or easy. And by no means perfect. That doesn’t mean that in every moment of my existence I can’t feel gratitude. The most amazing emotion of all. I might even argue that gratitude surpasses love. ... True gratitude. If I am always aware of everything that I have and all of the greatness in my life, there is never a time that I feel that something is lacking. If I accept that who I am and what I have is good enough, I am at peace. I have comfort. And really, I always should feel as if what I have is good enough. Because I have everything I need and much of what I want. But my gratitude goes on from even the barest essence of acknowledging that what I am and what I have is enough. I can appreciate moments that hold beauty and fill my senses with joy, that surpass most people day in and day out. Sometimes the fall wind picks up and blows a familiar scent that reminds me of my childhood, playing in the field behind my house. It reawakens memories when I close my eyes of the laughter shared between friends hanging out in our fort by the creek; playing pretend or sharing secrets. I cherish my childhood. I lived in a dream. It almost all seems imagined. Everyday we played using only our imaginations! Sometimes pretending we were cops and robbers or teachers, frequently movie stars or moms playing house. Our minds were on fire! With all of the reason in the world to be bored... we couldn’t find a minute. I remember one time playing that we were sailors out on a rough day at sea... pretending that the orange and yellow Fisher Price picnic table was a boat and the trampoline was the sea- amazing. And there was no need for an explanation! No planning between our minds. As soon as one person started at play the other was on board. If my life were a mountain, these moments would only be a grain of sand. And if my gratitude for this one little moment is enough to make me so happy I could cry, how amazing should my gratitude for life in its entirety be? It overwhelms me. I wish I could write every memory and experience down... Even the bad ones! I am no less grateful for them. It is in those painful moments that you learn the most about yourself; learn lessons that last your lifetime through. I remember one day from my childhood when I was being bullied by a group of older girls in my neighborhood. My friends were there, but they didn’t say anything to defend me. One of them pushed me off my bike; my physical pain turned emotional when they all began to laugh. Succumbing to their cruelty I left, fighting back tears, and retreated to my porch and no one came after me. I sat on my porch swing in solitude until I fell asleep. When I woke up I saw my two best friends sitting on my porch; they had come for me. My gratitude for their kindness and loving tenderness in that moment evoke tears in me at this very moment. I’m lucky enough to have friends who constantly prove their absolute dependability; who time and again save my life. And every time they do, I’m so grateful they bless my life. But even strangers I encounter in my day give me gifts of inspiration, understanding, love, help and friendship. Although they are small, they are some of the most amazing moments. You can learn so much- if you just open your eyes. And perhaps the the thing that I am most grateful for in my life currently, is that I have had my mind unlocked. I have discovered that I can be more, know more and do more every single day. I have discovered that THINKING deeply about ideas that most people don’t entertain frees you from that prison that can be your existence. Heartache has the ability to own your life. If you let it. You can fill your mind with whatever thoughts you choose! And if I chose to think about myself all day and how pained I may be, by any number of experiences I may be having- I would never be at peace. But I have the choice to think about whatever I want. I don’t know that you can control your emotions. Feelings seem to have a mind of their own. But in my mind I can think about any number of things. And I find when I think about things greater than me, I am most happy. Or at least, entertained. |
A Little About MeA professor told me once that I would know what I wanted to do for a career, if the thought of someone taking it away from me felt like suffocating. |